Sunday duck humour

[Richard Negus]

Duck Waddles into a pub and says to the barman "give me some bread"Barman Dont serve breadDuck Give us some breadBarman NoDuck Give me some breadBarman NoDuck Give me some breadBarman No Duck Give us some breadBarman If you ask for bread again, Ill nail your beak to the barDuck Give us some nailsBarman I haven't got any nails--------Duck Give us some bread!!!!!!

[MrB]

Duck and drake go to a hotel for a night of passion."Oh, I've forgotten the condoms, I'll just nip out to get some."Drake waddles to reception and asks directions to a chemist."I'm sorry sir, they'll be closed by now. Can I help at all?"Drake explains his predicament."Oh, I can supply one of those for you sir. Would you like to me to put it on your bill?"

[Richard Negus]

A duck walks into a bar and orders a beer.The barman says, "Hey, you're a duck!""Nothing wrong with your eyesight," observes the duck,"Yeah, but I mean - you can TALK" says the barman."Nothing wrong with your hearing," answers the duck. "Now, can I have a beer please?".The barman serves the duck a pint and asks him what he's doing in the area."Oh," says the duck, "I work on the building site over there. We'll be here for a couple of weeks, and I'll be in each lunchtime for a pint".Each day the duck waddles over from his job at the building site and has his lunchtime lager.Next week, the circus comes to town on its annual round.Circus owner comes in for a pint, and the barman tells him about the talking duck."You should get it into your circus," he says. "Make a lot of money out of a talking duck. I'll speak to him about it."Following day, the duck comes in at lunchtime.Barman says: "You know, the circus is in town, and yesterday I was chatting to the owner. He's very interested in you.""Really?" says the duck."Yeah. You could make a lot of money there. I can fix it up for you easily.""Hang on," said the duck. "You did say a CIRCUS, didn't you?""That's right." answer the barman.Duck says: "That's one of those tent things, isn't it? With a big pole in the middle?""Yeah!"The duck looks very puzzled and says: "What would he want with a plasterer?"

[MrB]

Enough duck humour - you win!

[Richard Negus]

OK, MrB - a change of quack.Elderly gent, lying in bed and in the final stages of dying, feels compelled to confess and apologize to his wife about the liaisons he's had with her sister, her best friend and with her mother.The wife gently replies " Don't worry about that now, Dear, I understand - just lie back and let the poison do its work "

[Richard Negus]

A burglar broke into a house and shone his flashlight around looking for valuables.He picked up a CD player when a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying:… 'Jesus is watching you...'He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked off his flashlight and froze. When he heard nothing more he continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out he heard: 'Jesus is watching you….'Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically. Finally, in the corner of the room his light beam came to rest on a parrot.Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot. 'Yep,' the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh?... Who in the world are you?'Moses,' replied the bird.Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'"The same kind that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."